Friday 4 April 2008

On going mad

It was when I realised that I stared at people’s faces on the train that I first realised I might be going mad.
The train was cramped. Sweat stuck bodies pushed up closer than they should ever be while clothed.
I moved down the carriage, away from the doors, just like the recorded voice of the polite and well-spoken women told me to. I stood and held myself against the swaying of the train by grabbing onto the top of someone’s seat.
They eyed me uncomfortably, uncertainly, but what could I do? I looked away.
Everyone tries to avoid eye contact on the train. You don’t want to be the one who is unfortunate enough to make eye contact with the stranger, the mad one who wants to make some sort of stilted, pointless conversation.
So people look elsewhere. At a book or newspaper if they’re lucky enough to have one. Otherwise, it’s the window for them. Safe, so long as you don’t find yourself looking past someone else, because that person might think you’re actually looking at them!
I think I noticed everyone was doing this at the same time I realised I was staring right at the head of a woman seated below me. I was looking at how her grey hair was thinning. I noticed the tight lines running into her eyes and the make-up she thought might hide them.
She may have noticed me out of the corner of one of these eyes, but thankfully she kept up the pretence of reading.
I thought this a quite strange thing for me to be doing. There’s no way I wanted to speak to the woman, no chance that I found her attractive, so why was I staring at her so intently?
I glanced around the carriage. Faces looked familiar. I realised that I’d stared at many of these people before. The colour of their blouse, the hair on their arms, the scar on their lip, the way they bent their knee.
Had they noticed me doing this, when it had barely registered with me? Did they think I was mad. “Oh no, there’s that mad staring guy. Hope he doesn’t sit… too late!”
I asked a girl about this, over dinner. I was lucky because I remembered her name, unlike the last time I went out. It was Samantha.
I told her all about it, about what goes on - on the train. Was I quite mad? I thought I was mad, I said. Have I been doing it tonight, to other patrons of the restaurant we were in? To her, even?
She shifted uncomfortably. She tried to change the subject. She could tell she wasn’t going to get away with it, so she offered a little of herself.
“Well, this might sound a little bit strange too, but I’ve never been on a first date before.” I looked at her, squinted a little and bit my bottom lip.
“You know,” she said, “like on a proper date with someone, before.” My squint faded and my lips changed shape so that it was impossible to bite them anymore. I started laughing, in quite a hearty manner. She had tickled me with that remark.
“You’re thirty-two aren’t you?” She nodded and looked at her lap. This made me laugh some more.
After ten more seconds she went over to the maitre d’, asked for her coat and left.
I don’t know whether it was the fact that she’d never been on a date before that made me lose it, or whether it was because she thought telling me about it would make me feel better.
I suppose, it could just be that I’m going mad. I might leave it a few days and then call her and see what she thinks.

-----

If you liked the tale, have a look at this one: Stranger Tom.

16 comments:

Unknown said...

Paul,

I am a People watcher too. It must be the artist in me, always observing faces.. One nostril is latger, one eye is a 1/4" higher than the other.. She's beautiful.. until I see her smile.. He's like a Cromagnon man but has soulful eyes.. What would it be like to kiss him?... That littlegirl was abused, look at her hurt face... look at the fear in her eyes.. AM I MAD TOO PAUL?

Cheeseburger Brown said...

Dear Paul,

Fluid and intriguing. Very nice.

Yours,
Cheeseburger Brown
Free fiction, freshened weekly

Paul Bernard Baker said...

Probably all artists are a bit mad, Lorraine.
I say, go with it.

bha said...

This one's really amusing. And again, the first tale I start reading here reminds me of myself and of Europe (and of myself in Europe).

The thing about paper and PCs - I see to it that I always have a small pad of paper and a tiny pen. It's also handy for anything else you might write down.

Despite this, I think I've lost a large number of ideas this week. Shame.

akaash said...

by far the best one i have read. IT JUST FELT MORE 'COMPLETE' THAN THE OTHERS.. AS A 'WRITTEN PIECE'. no more criticism! keep going on. i wl continue to drop in. cheers.

Svetlana said...

i'm on the train every day and i have noticed that swiss people are starers. it's not considered impolite. i don't like it but i've learned to live with it. go ahead and stare i say, i'm happy to be able to provide a little entertainment for you on this boring train ride :)

Anonymous said...

Well, I'm glad I've seen your hand at stream of consciousness. I liked the premise of this one. I don't know how much you like receiving criticism from a hack like me, so this time I just won't. I like reading your work, bud, so keep writing it then?

tina said...

you beat me to this one. i've been thinking of writing about this too. :) having no other choice but to stare at everyone else in a train, or a bus. now i might not be able to write my own version without remembering yours...although i don't think that it's mad to stare at other people in a train.

hmmm, that's suspicious, isn't it? :)

Sucharita Sarkar said...

hi, thanx v v much for visiting my blog. thanx for answering my qs on you literary influences. i am a fiction-reader, not a fictio-writer, so my favourite short-story writers are Roald Dahl, Poe, Katherine Mansfield and a lot of others.
can i add you blog url to my blog-list, because i have told many of my friends about your site.
as for this story, i really liked it. madness (and its threshold) is such a fascinating, liminal topic with multiple perspectives, that a story on it will always have to be open-ended, don't you think so?

adfadfadfadfasfasvmomoavmavmav said...

Dear Mr. Paul Beranrd,

I like your blog a lot. I found your tales and blog so inspiring that i had to start my own stories. Honestly, I have been writing a "book" for sometime, but never bothered to openly display my writings. You are an inspiring person. Thank you

Some 16 year old kid.

p.s. My first pathetic story is dedicated to you

Anonymous said...

I really like to read your blog. This story was a great one!

Dhrubo said...

Great writing...I feel terribly uneasy when someone catches me staring at the,the worst part being that generally I don't even remember why I was looking at them!

I must say that it was awesome,the dating incident,that is!

beseeching said...

you must have been really obnoxious for your date to have gotten up and left! I hope you tried to stop her! for what reasons do you find it interesting to explore the realms of madness? i would say youre just a bit odd, and rude! sorry, i like to amuse my ownself. i just started a blogg, you could take a glimpse at my own realm of madness. although, i prefer normalcy to lunacy. i am a work in progress. i will read on..thanks for your writings

Aleta said...

This reminded me of a poem I once wrote about being on a train ride. You delved much deeper with your description of "not looking at others." Have you ever noticed that at a red light intersection the people in opposing vehicles don't look at each other? I enjoyed reading this daily tale (and thank you for the comment on my blog)

Anonymous said...

Hi, I've no idea how I happenend on to your blog but I'm thilled - as a people-watcher myself, passionate about photography (and a zillion other things...) I can really relate to this... I'll be back for more :)

White Rose said...

I do this in Malls and restaurants. Always wondering if I can get just a glimpse of what their life is all about. I enjoyed reading this!